


Nearly Broken

by angelofthequeers



Series: Season 12 codas and fix-its [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, And I'm delivering, Angel Mojo, Bottom Castiel, Bottoming from the Top, Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues, Coda, Crying Castiel, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depressed Castiel, Doesn't the fact that there's a tag to stop hurting Cas tell you that he needs love, Episode: s12e09 First Blood, Fluff and Angst, Hand Jobs, Here take these feels and make it all better, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, I promised to fix it, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Praise Kink, Riding, Romance, Smut, Stop Hurting Cas 2k17, Top Dean, Why won't Dean actually talk to Cas in canon, i'm trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 09:55:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9486128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelofthequeers/pseuds/angelofthequeers
Summary: Cas isn't broken; just nearly broken. He's had enough of the way he's treated by everyone and lets them know it. And Dean's there for him before they have to pick up the pieces. Lots of Cas love, because that's exactly what this baby angel deserves.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LokiNeedsHugs1031](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokiNeedsHugs1031/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.
> 
> *screams forever after 12x09*
> 
> Gifted to my best friend, who's just as rabid about giving Cas hugs and blankets and love as I am!

Dean winces at the sound of a door slamming somewhere in the bunker, and he exchanges a ‘dude we fucked up’ look with Sam. Cas’ speech from last night after saving them from the feds and then killing Billie the reaper rings in his ears.

 _“You know, this world – this sad, doomed little world – it needs you. It needs every last Winchester it can get, and I will_ not _let you die. I won’t let_ any _of you die! And I won’t let you sacrifice yourselves. You mean too much to me – to everything. Yeah, you made a stupid deal. You made a stupid deal, and I broke it. You’re welcome.”_

The angel had barely spoken on the drive home, just sitting next to Dean in the back with a small scowl on his face (Dean still can’t believe he actually chose to sit in the _back_ with Cas. He always gets shotgun when someone else is driving!), and now they’re back at the bunker and the first thing Cas had done was stride inside in a swirl of Trench Coat 2.0 (which Dean doesn’t like nearly as much as the original) and now he’s apparently locked himself in his room.

“Shit,” Sam says quietly, tiredly running a hand over his face. “I mean, I knew he couldn’t be totally okay after Lucifer, but…I didn’t know he felt like that.”

Dean shrugs guiltily. He knows he should’ve done more for Cas after his possession by Lucifer – more than just one freaking chat, in which he’d panicked and called Cas his brother, rather than admitting that maybe the angel was just a little more than that – but he’s been so self-absorbed and wrapped up in his own abandonment issues with Mary that he hasn’t even thought to check in with Cas and see how he’s been doing.

“And he’s been different since Lucifer,” Sam continues. “More…I dunno, more douchey. Y’know, almost like – like he took on a bit of Lucifer.”

Dean’s stomach drops.

“Is that even a thing?” he demands. “I mean, you’d know, right?”

Mary shoots them both a horrified look and Dean realises that neither of them got around to telling her about the Apocalypse, or even pointing her in the direction of those stupid books that Chuck, aka the Big Man Himself, had written. Neither of them are in the mood to really elaborate for her, though.

“Dean, I dunno,” Sam says with an anguished look on his face. “I mean, I didn’t actually take on any of Lucifer’s _personality_. Not like this. I just had those –” He glances at Mary. “– those things to deal with.”

Mary doesn’t look too happy at being excluded. A small, vindictive part of Dean – the part that’s still cut over how their mother had just up and left them – gets a thrill over this. Hey, if she wants to ditch them, she can just take a back seat to Cas. Dean feels horrible as soon as he thinks this, but he figures that he’s entitled to be nasty after spending six weeks as the FBI’s plaything.

“The only thing I can think of is that he’s an angel,” Sam continues. “I mean, he’s got grace instead of a soul. There’s never been a documented case of an angel actually possessing another angel – but Cas is still different, because he’s the only one in that body. So I don’t know, Dean. This’s never happened before.”

They lapse into silence, but this only serves to allow Dean’s mind to start replaying that entire scene over and over again. What kills him most is the look that had been on Cas’ face; a look of sheer and utter despair. He’d looked like he was going to cry, and Cas _never_ cries.

“I’m gonna go talk to him,” he blurts out. Before Sam or Mary can say anything, he makes a quick escape from the main room and treks down the hallway to Cas’ bedroom. The closed door feels like a barrier and Dean’s hesitant to knock, but he forces himself to do so after a moment. It’s stupid, being scared of Cas; he’d never deliberately hurt Dean or Sam.

“Cas?” he calls. There’s no reply. “C’mon, buddy, I know you’re in there!”

He’s met with dead silence. Now the beginnings of irritation start to form in his gut. He’s just nearly gone mad after six weeks in the FBI’s hands; Cas isn’t the only one with the right to be grumpy!

“I’m sorry, okay?” he says. “I get it. You care about us for God knows what reason, and we keep tossing our lives away and treating you like shit. Just open the door and talk to me! Please?”

He adds that last word quietly. He’s not sure if it’s that word or if it’s just because it’s him – Cas seems to let a lot slide when it comes to him – but, just as he’s about to turn and leave and drown himself in whiskey before Sam can find it and hide it, the lock clicks. He rests his hand on the door handle but pauses. Part of him dreads this conversation with Cas, mostly because he knows deep down that this conversation is going to change everything between them. And as much as he hates how he and Sam treat Cas, it’s easier that way. For him, at least. It’s how he stops anybody apart from Sam from getting too close and getting hurt.

“If you’re not going to come in, kindly leave me alone so that I can lock my door again,” Cas calls thickly. Dean swallows, takes a deep breath, then turns the handle and pushes the door open. He’s not sure how he’d expected to find Cas – tearing up his room, having a meltdown, trying to distract himself – and so he’s taken aback when he sees that all Cas is doing is just lying on his bed with his eyes closed.

“Hey, man.” Dean forces a smile onto his face. “Thanks for – y’know – saving us.”

“You would not have needed saving if I hadn’t left you, as Mary was so kind as to remind me,” Cas mutters, his eyes still closed. Dean makes a mental note to talk to Mary about just how much Cas has done for them because, barring a few incidents, the angel has remained stoutly by their side. But hey, everyone’s entitled to a few fuck-ups.

“Dude, that’s – she was stressed, okay?” Dean crosses over to the bed and sits down. “Don’t listen to her. You did the right thing by leaving us to watch Kelly. Otherwise, you would’ve been caught too.”

Cas snorts darkly.

“At least then I could have been of use, rather than chasing cases for six weeks and failing miserably at them because I am nowhere near as skilled a hunter as you.”

A frown mars Dean’s face.

“What? You hunted?”

Cas shrugs.

“I could not find you, and Crowley refused to help. So I thought that I should make myself useful as you would have wanted me to do. But I messed up. Three women died unnecessarily because I could not get the information I needed. Mary had to go and finish the case for me.”

Before Dean knows what he’s doing, he reaches out and pats Cas on the shoulder. Cas’ eyes crack open and he squints at Dean.

“‘S not your fault, Cas,” Dean says in a falsely cheerful voice that he knows both of them can see through. “Sometimes that happens. You think Sam and I hit gold with every case we do? Sometimes people don’t cooperate and you just gotta admit defeat.”

“A rather remarkable piece of advice from somebody who takes the safety of the entire planet onto his shoulders,” Cas mutters. Dean rolls his eyes.

“Well, what d’you want me to say? You fucked up, end of story. We all do that. Fun fact: that’s called life.”

Cas doesn’t bother to dignify that with a response. Dean tries another angle.

“How’re you, anyway?” he says. “I mean, after the whole…being possessed Lucifer thing.”

Cas shrugs rather uncaringly.

“I’m not suffering from hallucinations, so I don’t see the problem.”

“Sam thinks…” Dean pauses, choosing his words carefully. “You’ve been…different, Cas. Sam thinks that maybe Lucifer rubbed off on you – y’know, since you’re an angel with grace instead of a human with a soul. We don’t know what Lucifer could’ve done to you –”

“Your concern is noted, but I am fine. Lucifer left nothing of himself in me.”

“Then…what changed?” Dean says quietly. “C’mon, work with me here, Cas. You’ve been different since kicking Lucifer out.”

Cas sits up abruptly, startling the crap out of Dean. Before Dean knows what’s going on, Cas is kneeling on the bed next to him and he’s got two fistfuls of Dean’s shirt.

“Do you _really_ want to know, Dean? Are you absolutely sure that you want me to tell you exactly how I feel?”

Dean’s torn. He knows that Cas is about to say some shit…but the angel’s eyes are madly wide and his hands are shaking, and Dean knows that he’s probably going to go nuclear if he can’t vent to someone. So he nods.

“Go for it, buddy. Lay it on me.”

He’s rendered speechless by Cas’ outburst.

“I feel angry, Dean. I feel _so_ angry. I have been used my _entire life_ – by Heaven, by the Leviathans, by Metatron, by Lucifer…by you and Sam. Oh, you use the guise of ‘caring about me’ and ‘being my brother’, but you are just as bad as the rest! Always wanting from me…always taking from me, never stopping to see if I was okay or needed help…no, it’s always been about you and Sam and your problems. And I was okay with that. Helping you gave me a purpose, and it isn’t as though I actually mattered. After all, you and Sam were fated for greatness. Me? I’m nothing but another angel. I’m not special. The only difference between me and my siblings is the choices I made.”

Cas takes a deep breath. He’s shaking all over and Dean wants nothing more than to hug him so tightly that he can’t breathe, but he knows that Cas has to get all of this out.

“I’m tired, Dean. I’m broken. And I’m tired of being broken. I’m tired of being useless. I’m tired of everybody having to hold me up because I’m too weak. I’m tired of being a plaything for everybody to pass around and use as they see fit. I’m tired of failing at everything I do. I’m tired of being so angry. I’m tired of my utter inability to care about myself and what happens to me even one bit. I’m tired…of existing.”

As Cas trembles, Dean can feel his heart breaking. He tries to say something – to reassure Cas that he’s _not_ broken, he’s _not_ a failure or useless or any of those things – but nothing will come out of his mouth.

“That’s the truth,” Cas whispers. “Lucifer didn’t change me. He only made me see how utterly useless I am, and how I let everybody treat me as a tool. I could have thrown him out at any time, but there was no point. Not when he was of far more use to you than me, a fallen angel with broken wings. And I’m…I’m tired of you and Sam claiming to care for me so long as I am useful, then forgetting about me the moment that usefulness ends. That’s what hurts most of all. If I am nothing more than a tool to you, just say so. You don’t need to pretend to care for me.”

“No!”

His body moving ahead of his brain, Dean grabs Cas and pulls him into probably the tightest hug he’s given in years. Cas struggles feebly, but Dean refuses to let him go.

“Jesus Christ, Cas! None of that’s true! You’re not fucking useless, man!”

“Dean, you don’t –”

“No, you shut up and listen to me now! We don’t _care_ how powerful you are, Cas. You could have two broken legs and no grace and you’d still be our Cas! You’re not weak, or you’d have given up on us _years_ ago. Cas, it freaking blows us away that you’ve stayed with us for so long! You know that, don’t you? Everyone else leaves us but you – you’re always there for us. You’re always willing to help us. You’re _strong_ for sticking with us through all this shit! You’re _special_ , Cas. _Special_.”

Cas is heaving in his arms, and Dean kind of hopes that he starts crying. Much as he doesn’t want to have to deal with a crying angel – there’s a reason he’s got a deep-set aversion to conversations about feelings and stuff – he knows that crying is the best thing that Cas can do right now. As far as he knows, Cas has never cried, save maybe one or two times that he can’t recall right now. The best thing for Cas is to just let it all out, and Dean’ll be right there for him. Just like Cas has nearly always been there for him.

“Who cares if you didn’t have a destiny like me and Sam? You made your own destiny, Cas. That’s pretty damn special. You tore up the script and did your own thing. And we _do_ appreciate you, Cas. We hate it when you leave us to go off and do your own thing. _I_ hate it. I hate it when you’re not here with me.”

The conversation’s treading into pretty dangerous territory but Dean doesn’t care. He’s been bottling these feelings up for _years_ , so if his insecurities and issues have any objections then they can sit on them and spin.

“Why do you push me away, then?” Cas says so quietly that Dean almost doesn’t hear it. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply. There’s no going back from this, but he’s also tired. He’s tired of being a freaking coward and hurting Cas like this.

“Because I want you,” he confesses. His heart’s hammering and he’s starting to feel queasy at the thought of being rejected. “I want you so much, Cas. But I can’t have you. I can’t drag you down like that, not when I already yanked you outta Heaven. I push you away because I want you…so that I stop wanting you.”

“And does – does that work?”

Dean squeezes Cas even tighter and shakes his head.

“No. I just want you more. And there’s this voice in my head that’s always telling me what a shitty idea that is – you deserve more, you don’t need my sorry ass dragging you down, no way would you ever want me – but I…I’m tired, Cas. I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of hurting you, because you don’t deserve it. You deserve to be freaking _happy_ , and it kills me that you can’t be!”

His stomach lurches when he realises that Cas has finally broken down and started to cry. The angel’s fists are still clenched in Dean’s shirt and he’s buried his face in it as well; Dean can feel his tears dampening the fabric. Knowing that now is the time to shut up and let Cas process everything, he holds Cas to him tighter and buries his face in the angel’s dark hair, inhaling the scent of fresh rain and apple and honey.

“‘M sorry, Cas,” he mumbles into Cas’ hair. “‘M so sorry we made you feel like worthless shit. You’re _everything_ to me, angel. You and Sam. Shit, I went mental when Lucifer had you.”

Cas cries even harder. Dean decides that the best thing for him to do is to just shut up and hold Cas, gently rocking him like he used to do for Sam when the kid had bad dreams and couldn’t get back to sleep. It feels like an eternity before Cas’ sobs finally start to die down and he slumps in Dean’s arms, his breathing slow and heavy and hitched.

“You’re worth everything, Cas,” Dean says firmly, running his fingers through Cas’ hair. “Don’t you dare forget that.”

Cas makes a small choked noise.

“Dean,” he says in a stuffy voice. “Are you sure that you want me?”

Dean nods immediately.

“Yeah. I meant it, Cas.”

“Good. I want to make sure that you want this.”

Before Dean can say anything, Cas leans up and presses his lips to Dean’s. It’s a very chaste kiss, but Dean reacts straight away by cupping Cas’ face with one hand, bracing his other hand around the back of Cas’ neck, and deepening the kiss with a soft groan. He knows that Cas has kissed people before, so he’s not exactly expecting inexperience, but a jolt runs through him when Cas’ tongue swipes across the seam of his lips and slips inside his mouth like the angel’s been kissing people his whole life. This is heaven right here, just sitting and kissing Cas; Dean could do this for all eternity.

“I want you,” Cas says breathlessly when they separate for air. Dean brushes strands of messy hair out of those bright blue eyes.

“You got me, Cas. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

“No.” Cas shakes his head in frustration. “I mean, I _want_ you. I want – I want to have sex with you. I want to feel… _loved_.”

Dean gulps, because he’s never slept with a guy before, and this is _Cas_. But Cas is looking up at him with those blue eyes that could make Dean go and get the Moon if asked, and he realises that he doesn’t particularly want to resist them. Not if it means making Cas happy for even a little while.

So he leans in and kisses Cas again. Cas makes a sound of surprised happiness and wraps his arms around Dean’s neck, trying to hold him even closer. Dean pulls away after a moment, then stands up, pulling Cas with him – and before a frowning Cas can ask what he’s doing, he guides Cas to the head of the bed and gently directs him to lie down.

“Just relax,” Dean murmurs, stroking Cas’ hair as he straddles the angel and leans down. “Just relax…”

A small smile on his face, Cas reaches up to cup Dean’s face and pulls his head down the rest of the way so that their lips meet again. Dean lets Cas take the lead, lets him direct when the kiss deepens, and he doesn’t pull back until Cas slides his hands under Dean’s shirt to run his hands up Dean’s torso.

“C’mon.” Dean tugs at the trench coat. “Let’s get this off.”

Cas sits up so that Dean can slide his trench coat and suit jacket from his shoulders, and he shrugs them off while Dean’s fingers nimbly unbutton his white shirt and undo his tie. Once he’s fully shirtless, he reclines back against the pillows and draws Dean in for another kiss.

“Take – take yours off,” Cas pants against Dean’s lips. “Want to feel you…”

Dean gives Cas a quick peck before pulling back and quickly shucking off his jacket, plaid shirt and T-shirt. Cas moans when Dean flattens himself against his body – a sound that travels straight to Dean’s dick and causes tingling heat to start sparking between his legs.

“You sure you want this?” Dean asks. Yes, Cas has said yes already, but he’s worried that the angel isn’t thinking straight and he wants to be sure before they go any further.

“I just want you, Dean. I just want to feel like…like I’m worth something.”

Before he can even blink, Dean grabs him and rolls so that he’s now straddling Dean’s hips. Dean chuckles when Cas instinctively reaches out to steady himself, flattening his palms against Dean’s chest and laughing shakily. Dean decides in that moment that he wants to hear that sound again and again for the rest of his life, and he’s going to make damn sure that Cas has reason to laugh from now on.

“Don’t ever think you’re not worth anything,” Dean says firmly, running his hands up and down Cas’ side. Cas shivers, falling forward onto his forearms so that he’s hovering above Dean. “You’re worth everything to me, Cas. I don’t think you understand just how much losing you would hurt.”

Cas shakes his head and presses his lips to Dean’s. This kiss is heated and messy, slick with spit and tongues fighting for dominance, and Cas reaches down to unbutton Dean’s jeans while keeping their mouths together. It takes a moment for Dean to get with the program but once he catches on, he starts to fumble with Cas’ button and zipper, desperate to get those slacks off him as soon as possible.

“You’re not allowed to wear clothes ever again,” Dean growls, trying to yank Cas’ slacks down. Cas chuckles breathily and decides to help out by sliding off Dean and standing up in order to take his pants and boxers off and shoes and socks, so Dean shucks out of his own boots and jeans and underwear to save Cas the hassle of dealing with them.

“I think your brother and mother may not agree,” Cas finally answers, his eyes fixed hungrily on Dean’s body and rock hard dick. Dean can’t help himself either; his eyes are roaming all over Cas’ body, lingering on his curving cock, and he’s mortified when a desperate moan escapes his mouth. Cas just laughs at this.

“Though if this is what I get to look at from now on,” he adds, “I think I may have to agree with your rule of no clothes.”

Dean snorts.

“Just get back on top of me already,” he says. Cas is only too happy to oblige, and both men groan when their erections rub together. Dean throws his head back into the pillows.

“You wanna fuck me any time soon?” he groans. Cas pauses and Dean raises his head to see the angel biting his lip and looking down. “What’s up, Cas?”

“I was…actually hoping that you would be inside me,” Cas admits. A wave of heat courses through Dean. He’d kind of hoped to have Cas fuck him – he’d never had a dick up his ass before, but he’d been hoping to restore some of Cas’ feeling of power and strength. But if Cas wants Dean to fuck him, well, Dean’s not really going to say no.

“Okay.” Dean runs his hands along Cas’ thighs. “But you’re stayin’ on top.”

Cas gives him a look; a ‘I know you inside and out and you don’t fool me’ look, to be precise.

“Dean, I know what you are trying to do. You don’t need to cater to my feelings of inadequacy and weakness.”

“Just humour me, man, and stay on top.”

Cas heaves a sigh but he’s smiling, which Dean takes as a good sign. While he leans over and fumbles for the lube in his bedside table drawer, Cas takes Dean’s cock in a loose fist and begins to stroke. A moan escapes Dean’s mouth and he instinctively bucks up into Cas’ fist.

“Jesus,” he gasps. “Kinda busy here, Cas!”

Cas smiles mischievously but doesn’t say anything, instead choosing to lazily stroke Dean’s dick. Dean’s torn between trying to find the lube and giving himself fully to Cas’ hand, but thankfully his hand lands on a bottle and he pulls it out triumphantly.

“Come here,” he forces out, hooking a hand around Cas’ neck and bringing him in for a kiss. “So fucking hot, Cas. Want me to suck you off?”

Cas’ brow furrows as he tries to decipher the meaning of Dean’s question. To help out, Dean licks his lips, and it only takes a few moments for Cas’ face to clear.

“Maybe next time. Right now, I want you inside me as soon as possible.”

He’s still stroking Dean’s cock. Dean squeezes his eyes shut, groans, and grabs Cas’ wrist.

“Well, that’s not gonna happen if you don’t stop that!” he says. He opens his eyes to see Cas pouting at him.

“Fine,” the angel says. Dean smirks.

“Calm down, angel. You’ll get what you want soon enough. Now, c’mere. I gotta prepare you.”

“Prepare me?”

Dean holds up the lube with one hand, his other hand tracing circles around Cas’ tight hole. Cas gasps and grinds into the touch.

“I’m sticking something big up your ass, Cas. You don’t just do that without stretching yourself. Never done this before but even I know that.”

Cas growls at him. The next moment, his hole is stretched and slick and Dean’s fingers slip inside with little resistance, eliciting a moan from Cas.

“Oh, God,” Dean chokes out. “That is _so_ fuckin’ hot.”

Despite looking wildly unkempt and desperate for cock, Cas manages to give him a smug smile.

“As I said, I want you inside me as soon as possible.”

“But that takes all the fun out of it!”

Despite his complaints, Dean’s secretly glad that Cas used his mojo to prepare himself; he’s not sure if he can last for much longer before going completely insane from just how damn turned on he is.

“I got condoms in there too. You need one? I’m clean.”

Cas favours Dean with a ‘you silly human’ smile.

“I’m an angel, Dean. I can’t catch any human diseases from you, nor pass any on. And I want to feel you – all of you.”

Dean bites back a whimper.

“Right. Just – keep your ass there. Don’t move. I’m gonna go slow, okay?”

He guides his dick to Cas’ hole. Cas lets out a deep moan when the head of Dean’s dick brushes his hole, and he reaches back to steady it…and then, instead of letting Dean slowly push in, he simply sinks down on Dean’s cock and wriggles until he’s fully seated. Dean’s pretty sure he’s having a heart attack right about now.

“Oh – Jesus, fuck!” he wheezes. “You tryin’ to kill me, Cas?”

Cas is just on the right side of too tight, and Dean guesses that he’s probably feeling a sting from being stretched by the dick in his ass, judging from how his ass is clenching around Dean. The thought of his angel having a pain kink just makes all of this so much hotter.

The look on Cas’ face at being fully impaled by Dean’s cock is one that’s burned into Dean’s memory forever. A long, low groan erupts from Cas’ mouth and then he starts to move, rocking back on Dean’s cock with throaty gasps and moans.

“Oh!” he pants. He grinds his hips in circles, letting out a choked sob, and then starts to slam his hips back down, having clearly found the perfect angle. “Dean – this is – oh – Dean –”

His nails are digging into Dean’s chest as he works his hips furiously. Between the obscene sound of slapping skin every time Dean’s balls strike Cas’ ass and Cas’ low, breathy moans, Dean’s going absolutely insane. This is, hands down, the best sex he’s had in his whole life, and one of the last coherent thoughts that crosses his mind is that Sam and Mary had better not be able to hear them, for their own sake of mind.

“Cas – so perfect, Cas – so hot – you’re beautiful –” Dean’s mouth is running ahead of his brain and he should probably be embarrassed, but he’s really not. This is Cas; he can get away with a lot of shit when it comes to Cas and vice versa. He clamps his hands around Cas’ hips, thrusting into Cas as hard as possible, while Cas lets out little sighs and breathy sounds of, “Oh – oh –”

“Cas – touch yourself, c’mon, stroke yourself, want you to come –”

Cas obeys and reaches down to close a fist around his dick and stroke. His pretty mouth falls open even wider and his rhythm grows erratic, but Dean makes up for it with his own thrusting. And besides, it’s so worth it to see the look of pure ecstasy on Cas’ face.

“Yeah, good angel, good boy –”

Cas shudders violently at the praise, his hand flying over his dick, so Dean keeps it up.

“That’s right, keep going – yeah, c’mon – so perfect, my beautiful angel, so smart and strong and perfect – you’re not broken, you’re perfect, need you so much –”

He’s slipping compliments into his wild sex babble, hoping that Cas won’t resist it too much while drugged up on endorphins. Thankfully, Cas just grunts and keeps up his disjointed rhythm of thrusting up into his fist, then fucking himself down on Dean’s cock. He’s panting heavily, head bowed and eyes clamped shut, and he’s drawing blood with the nails of his free hand that he’s digging into Dean’s chest. Dean doesn’t mind; the pain just heightens the pleasure that’s tingling in his limbs and pooling at the base of his spine.

“Dean – I think I’m going to – my abdomen feels odd – I’m going to –”

Dean releases Cas’ hips to tug him down for a crushing kiss.

“Come for me, Cas,” he breathes against Cas’ lips. Cas gives one last stroke, grinds down one more time, and then he’s coming, arching his back and crying out to the ceiling as he paints Dean’s body in thick white streaks. The sight is so hot that Dean tips his head back, grabs Cas around the hips again, and thrusts up so hard that he arches off the bed as he slams into Cas. It only takes three thrusts before the heat in his belly bursts out and surges through his whole body. He’s flying, floating on a cloud, he can’t see anything but white spots and stars, and he’s only dimly aware of emptying himself inside Cas, squeezing his hips so hard that he’s sure to leave bruises.

Now fully spent and with gelatinous limbs, he sinks back into his mattress with a sigh. Cas remains upright for all of two seconds before falling forward, collapsing onto Dean’s come-streaked chest, and Dean catches him and holds him close, his flaccid cock slipping out of the angel’s leaking hole. The room is full of the sound of panting as they try to catch their breaths, and Dean feels as though he’s going to end up like the ‘heart beating out of his chest’ guy from their Looney Tunes case, his heart is pounding that hard.

“Jesus Christ, Cas,” he finally manages to gasp. Cas glares at him weakly.

“I suppose there’s no use in telling you not to use my half-brother’s name in vain?”

Dean grins stupidly at him and kisses him on the head, running a hand through the angel’s sweat-damp hair.

“I meant everything I said,” he says. “You’re perfect, Cas.”

Cas just shakes his head mutely. Dean ignores this action in favour of continuing.

“You’re so smart, Cas. You’re strong, and I don’t just mean ‘cause of your angel strength. You’ve been through so much but you just keep fighting. _That’s_ strong. You’re not weak at all.”

“Dean…you don’t have to try and flatter me.” Cas buries his face in Dean’s chest.

“I’m not flattering you, Cas! I’m just tellin’ you the truth, ‘cause clearly no one else has ever bothered. We wouldn’t’ve been able to do half the shit we did without you, man. And you’re _gorgeous_.”

“The compliment is appreciated, but you’ve never seen my true form.” Cas’ voice is muffled. Sighing in frustration, Dean begins to stroke Cas’ back, his other hand resting in the angel’s hair.

“I’m not talking about your vessel, angel. I’m talking about you. _You’re_ gorgeous. You’re amazing, and perfect, and smart, and strong…and Jesus, I’m so lucky to have you. I’ve taken you for granted so many times.”

“I don’t care if you use me as you see fit, Dean. So long as you care about me, I don’t care what you do.”

Dean groans and squeezes Cas tighter.

“For fuck’s sake, Cas! You’re worth more than some expendable tool!”

Cas just shrugs and they’re silent again. Then Dean gives him a small shove,

“Get off, angel. Gotta get us cleaned up.”

Cas grumbles something under his breath. Dean snickers.

“I know. But trust me, dried come feels disgusting as hell. You’ll thank me later.”

In the blink of an eye, the come has vanished and they’re clean as a whistle. Cas chuckles softly into his chest.

“You can thank me right now,” he says. Dean rolls his eyes, then moves carefully to slide Cas off him. Cas shoots him a puzzled look, which melts into a smile when Dean gathers him in his arms again and holds him close to his side. Purring softly like a cat, Cas tangles his legs with Dean’s, then drapes himself over half of Dean’s chest and nuzzles into the crook of his neck.

“I love you, Dean,” he says. Dean’s breath catches in his throat. “It might have been more appropriate for me to tell you that before we had sex, because now I feel as though I’m only saying that because of the pleasure you gave me.”

Dean laughs shakily and rubs his face with a hand, before he resumes stroking Cas’ back.

“No, you’re good. I just…I love you too, Cas. Damn, last time I said that was to Sam when I was a kid, just before Mom – y’know…”

Cas shrugs, but Dean can tell just how happy he is at having been told those three words.

“Orgasms do make you think rather irrationally,” he says. “Just look at all of the crimes committed historically and in mythology due to so-called love.”

Dean swats him on the ass.

“Don’t get smart with me, angel. I mean it…I just haven’t said it in so long.”

Cas snorts. The silence they fall into is comfortable, with Dean dragging his fingers up and down Cas’ muscled back and Cas tracing patterns on Dean’s chest.

“Thanks, by the way,” Dean says. “For, y’know…saving us from Billie.”

Cas shrugs.

“I meant what I said.”

“I know. I s’pose we’re so hellbent on sacrificing ourselves for others that we don’t stop and think about what it does to you.”

“It hurts as much as you claim it hurts when I die.”

Dean’s stomach does a small flip. Raising Cas’ chin, he leans down and captures his lips in a kiss that’s a gentle contrast to their previous wild making out.

“I’ll try not to die, ‘kay? Just promise me you won’t go throwing yourself away like you don’t matter. You mean the world to me, Cas. And I know Sam – that nerd – really likes you too. Not like this, of course, or I’d have to kick his ass.”

Cas laughs softly, pressing a small kiss to Dean’s throat. Dean adds a gentle scraping of nails to his stroking of Cas’ back and grins when Cas shivers and leans into the touch.

“You’re not broken, okay? Just bent. We’re all kinda bent outta shape.”

“Whatever you say, Dean.”

Dean gives him one more quick kiss before reaching down for the covers and pulling them over himself and Cas. Only then does he allow himself to drift off, his angel in his arms where he belongs.


End file.
